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2005-12-21 02:53:21 UTC
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 14
Dearest John:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a Partridge in a
Pear Tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift! I couldn't have been
more surprised.
With deepest love and devotion,
Agnes
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Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 15
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine - Two
Turtle Doves! I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They
are just adorable.
All my love,
Agnes
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Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 16
Dearest John:
Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I really must protest. I don't
deserve such generosity - Three French Hens! They are just delightful,
but I must insist, you've been too kind.
Love,
Agnes
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 17
Dearest John:
Today the postman delivered Four Calling Birds. Now really, you're
being too romantic. They are beautiful, but don't you think that
enough is enough?
Affectionately,
Agnes
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 18
Dearest John:
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered Five Golden Rings - one
for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all
those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
Love,
Agnes
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 19
Dear John:
When I opened the door, there were actually Six Geese-A-Laying on my
front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are
huge. Where will I keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I
can't sleep through the racket. Please stop.
Cordially,
Agnes
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Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 20
John:
What's with you and those fucking birds? Seven Swans-A-Swimming! What
kind of a goddamn joke is this? There's bird shit all over the house
and they never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a
nervous wreck - it's not funny. So stop with those fucking birds!
Sincerely,
Agnes
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 21
OK Buster!
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8
Maids a Milking? It's not enough with all these birds and maids a
milking, but they had to bring their goddamn cows! There's shit all
over the lawn and I can't move in my own house.
Just lay off me, smartass!
Agnes
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 22
Hey Shithead:
What are you, some kind of sadist? Now there are nine Pipers Piping!
And Christ do they play! They haven't stopped chasing those maids
since they got here. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping
all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors
have started a petition to evict me!
You'll get yours!
Agnes
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 23
You Rotten Prick!
Now there's Ten Ladies Dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts
ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. The cows
can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of
shit. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause
why the building shouldn't be condemned.
I'm siccing the police on you.
One who means it!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 24
Listen Fuckhead:
What's with the Eleven Lords a Leaping on those Maids and Ladies? Some
of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the
maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows! All 23 birds are
dead, they've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're
satisfied, you vicious, rotten swine.
Your sworn enemy,
Agnes
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Law Offices
Badger, Bender & Cajole
303 Knave Street
Chicago, Ill.
December 25
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge receipt of your latest gift of the Twelve
Drummers Drumming, which you have seen fit to inflict upon our client,
Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All
future cor-respondence should be sent to our attention. If you should
attempt to contact Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the
attendants have instructions to shoot on sight! With this letter you
will find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Cordially,
Badger, Bender & Cajole
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 14
Dearest John:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a Partridge in a
Pear Tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift! I couldn't have been
more surprised.
With deepest love and devotion,
Agnes
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 15
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine - Two
Turtle Doves! I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They
are just adorable.
All my love,
Agnes
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 16
Dearest John:
Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I really must protest. I don't
deserve such generosity - Three French Hens! They are just delightful,
but I must insist, you've been too kind.
Love,
Agnes
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 17
Dearest John:
Today the postman delivered Four Calling Birds. Now really, you're
being too romantic. They are beautiful, but don't you think that
enough is enough?
Affectionately,
Agnes
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 18
Dearest John:
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered Five Golden Rings - one
for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all
those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
Love,
Agnes
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 19
Dear John:
When I opened the door, there were actually Six Geese-A-Laying on my
front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are
huge. Where will I keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I
can't sleep through the racket. Please stop.
Cordially,
Agnes
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 20
John:
What's with you and those fucking birds? Seven Swans-A-Swimming! What
kind of a goddamn joke is this? There's bird shit all over the house
and they never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a
nervous wreck - it's not funny. So stop with those fucking birds!
Sincerely,
Agnes
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 21
OK Buster!
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8
Maids a Milking? It's not enough with all these birds and maids a
milking, but they had to bring their goddamn cows! There's shit all
over the lawn and I can't move in my own house.
Just lay off me, smartass!
Agnes
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 22
Hey Shithead:
What are you, some kind of sadist? Now there are nine Pipers Piping!
And Christ do they play! They haven't stopped chasing those maids
since they got here. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping
all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors
have started a petition to evict me!
You'll get yours!
Agnes
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 23
You Rotten Prick!
Now there's Ten Ladies Dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts
ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. The cows
can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of
shit. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause
why the building shouldn't be condemned.
I'm siccing the police on you.
One who means it!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 24
Listen Fuckhead:
What's with the Eleven Lords a Leaping on those Maids and Ladies? Some
of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the
maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows! All 23 birds are
dead, they've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're
satisfied, you vicious, rotten swine.
Your sworn enemy,
Agnes
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Law Offices
Badger, Bender & Cajole
303 Knave Street
Chicago, Ill.
December 25
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge receipt of your latest gift of the Twelve
Drummers Drumming, which you have seen fit to inflict upon our client,
Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All
future cor-respondence should be sent to our attention. If you should
attempt to contact Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the
attendants have instructions to shoot on sight! With this letter you
will find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Cordially,
Badger, Bender & Cajole
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------